02.19.08

Bipolar Input/Output Sequence

Posted in Gaming, Rants, Writing at 5:10 am

The past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to concentrate on writing a few short stories to shop around in support of Harvesting Blueberries, and not having much luck in the way of completing any of them. The struggles at the end of last month with the so-called “Emily Story” have been pretty much endemic to all of my writing since I put the final touches on Blueberries in December. I’ve got a couple of game reviews written (which reminds me, I need to update the review list on this site) and have managed to re-organize my USB drive at least four times. But in terms of fiction… it’s just been a huge blank.

Not that I’m feeling completely ineffectual. Quite the contrary– I’m catching up on my gaming and DVD watching, which despite the inactivity involved (in the DVDs at any rate) makes me feel quite productive. It’s not that I’m not producing anything tangible; what I am producing is impressions and opinions, and fodder for the idea mill. It’s fascinating, really, to find that I get just as much of a sense of accomplishment over completing a game or watching a series as I do for writing even just a little. Yeah, despite my complaining that it wasn’t going anywhere, the aborted attempts at the Emily story (and its shorter-lived successor, “the thunderstorm story”) all went on the scrap pile for later cogitation.

What it boils down to, really, is that I don’t think that this lack of output is necessarily a bad thing. I spent all of last year writing– sometimes intensively, sometimes lackadaisically. But there was a two-week stretch at the beginning, and a seven-week stretch at the end, where it was literally all I did, where it consumed me. That last blitzkrieg took a lot out of me, and I suppose I’m still recovering somewhat. It’s unreasonable to assume, also, that I should be expected to maintain NaNo-levels of output throughout the year, especially when certain periods are going to be more stressful due to work or other concerns (nothing life-altering is going on now, you can all relax and stop your heart attacks now).

Instead, this is a point in my… well, I don’t think “cycle” is the best word for it owing to the feminine-oriented connotations that word can hold, but there’s nothing else immediately coming to mind. Right, then, this is a point in my cycle of creativity where I’m in more of an “input” mode. When I am at a loss for words of my own, and instead seek to recharge my creativity and to discover a new story to tell, by reading and experiencing the stories of others. It might seem like what I’m doing is rationalizing an excuse to slack off, and on some level it is. It’s also probably a valid criticism that I’m probably just looking for new material to rip off, since apparently I’m incapable of originality or creativity to begin with, after having been raised on a media diet of video games and pop-culture television. But that last sentiment is a little too full of bile, cynicism, and just plain fail for me to take seriously for even a second.

But, “rationalizing slacking off”… I somehow think that might not be entirely accurate, either. It’s an unfortunate sign of the modern American culture and corroded work-ethic that leisure time is automatically seen as “wrong” or “decadent”. The phrase “too much time on my hands” is almost always negative in its connotations. Whatever happened to taking time and just relaxing? Why do people feel the need to work themselves to death, to grind away day after day without end to a point where they can no longer function– and then, when they go for the rest they so desperately need or deserve, they carry around stupid contrivances like Blackberries or laptops? Don’t get me wrong, I love my laptop, but that’s because I know when to leave it in the damn bag or leave it home altogether. People are vilified for taking breaks, people are seen as excessively weak for being far less weak than they actually are. This doesn’t seem right.

So, you know what? I’m going to just roll with this. For right now, I’m not going to worry about creating new fiction output just yet. I’m setting April 1st as a new “start” date for whatever project I want to do by the time that point comes up– it might be a rewrite of Blueberries, might be some short stories, we’ll see– but I’m not going to pressure myself to write anything at all before then. Maybe a couple of game reviews, and definitely I’m going to continue the daily posts and monthly query letter batches, but April 1st is when I get back to this whole “writer” business.

Until then– I’m catching up on my slacking.

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