06.09.06

Sample jokes for Buck-A-Joke

Posted in Anime, Site News, Writing at 2:47 pm

Mount Graham: Being in Arizona and named Mount Graham has got to suck. It’s probably right between Mount Honey and Mount Peanut Butter. What I wanna know is where Mount Big Freaking Glass of Milk is.

The Equalizer: You’re not going to find a guy like that on TV these days. Or if you are you’re going to have to deal with the knockoffs– the Splendaizer, the Sweet’N'Low Soldier, or my personal favorite, The Aspartame Assassin.

Venice Gardens, Florida: Anyone else come here and expect old people playing shuffleboard on gondolas? I’m a little disappointed, myself.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood (yes, this really did come up on random): Did you know they had a Greatest Hits album? Isn’t that a little superfluous? Or maybe pluralizing it was hopeful. Actually, it kinda works. The album produces a really awesome array of shrapnel once it hits the wall.

Slacklining: n. The time in between coming home from work and doing various house chores in which no real work is actually done. “I managed to get to Level Seven during my slacklining on Thursday.”

Gun Safety: This guy I know is really scared of his guns. He was so worried he’d accidentally hurt someone that when he was being held up, the mugger had to help him turn the safety off.

Work: n. An accurate way of measuring the Theory of Relativity.

Tops Friendly Markets: I remember the commercials for these back when I was little. Some really phony pop group singing “Tops Never Stops Saving You More”. I always changed the last little bit. “Tops Never Stops Ripping You Off”… “We’ll Never Stop Pimping Your Store”… “We’ll Never Stop Being Corp. Whores”.

Leopard Tortiose: I firmly believe that whoever named this animal was high. ‘Cause you have to be really messed up to think that applying the word ‘Leopard’ to a damn slow-ass turtle sounds good.

Sir Dick Franks (this really makes its own joke, but you pays your money and you takes your chances): I am firmly committed to discussing Dick Franks. I will ask hard questions about Dick Franks; won’t throw Dick Franks any softballs; will drive the point home about Dick Franks. Actually, come to think of it, Dick Franks sounds like what they sell on street corners in the Amazon village.

If you like what you’ve seen and think you have a good topic for a joke, it’ll only cost you a dollar:

Wisecracks For A Wiseass: Buck-A-Joke

Posted in Anime, Site News, Writing at 1:54 pm

Hi, folks.

I swore to you a very long time ago that I would never ask for money on this site unless it was for a good cause. Well, I still stand by that promise. See? It’s right there. Comes up to about my knee.

The thing is, though, I’m flat broke. Which makes going to Otakon on August 4th, 2006 more than a little tricky. So I propose an interesting solution. I call it ‘Buck-A-Joke’. Basically, pay me a dollar and I’ll write a short joke about any topic you suggest. It’s guaranteed to be unique, guaranteed to be about whatever you suggest, and guaranteed to be funny– to my sense of humor, at least. Your mileage, as always, may vary.

Now, I’m going to be completely honest here. You may or may not think that the joke I send to you– I’m looking to do the writing nightly– is funny. That’ll disappoint me, of course, but unfortunately I’ll have to say that you get what you pay for– and to be completely honest, you’re only out what, a buck? I know, I know, it is your buck, after all, but for the cost of a gallon of gas, you can get three jokes which I certainly hope will make you laugh as you take the bus. Still, isn’t enough to know that in some small way you’re helping out a struggling writer find his way to a glorious land of milk and catgirls? Won’t you please think of the catgirls the struggling writer?

Anyway, I’m toying with the idea of doing longer setups for more money– let’s say, a Reader’s Digest-length anecdote (100-250 words) for $5. But for now, I think we’ll see how Buck-A-Joke works out. This is a limited-time offer, folks– I’m only going to keep this open until July 23rd.

It’s certainly not fair of me to suggest that you leap into this sight unseen. So, in the next post, I’m going to go ahead and take ten random Wikipedia articles and write quick jokes about them, gratis.

If you want to go ahead and take the leap, you can toss me a buck via Paypal: